When I showed the Maitre d’ the first of this series, his response was, “Wow, that’s more serious and philosophical than I thought it’d be.” First, the Chef must admit that yesterday’s article is not the best example of his writing, since these are being pounded out as quickly as possible so that I can get back to surfing the internet for porn or playing World of Warcraft. Okay, I confess – I don’t play World of Warcraft. But I do write this column (as I guess you’d call it), and I put whatever comes to mind each day into it.
One of the advantages of writing for the Buffet is that I can be serious and philosophical if I feel like it (with the occasional silly aside about folks juggling geese or the Maitre d’s unsavory bathroom habits). If I feel like it, I can be weird and wacky. I can even be dark and disturbing if I feel like it. Most of the time, it’s some unholy mixture of those, like chop suey made from stuff found in a dumpster. The Chef is a complex man, and can’t be shoved into a neat little pigeonhole. The Chef is like an onion – he has many, many layers. Also like an onion, he keeps his head in the ground and smells foul, but that isn’t really relevant here.
So here we are. The second day. You’re probably thinking, “Ha! The Chef is talking about onions and insulting the Maitre d’ because he doesn’t wash his hands after
going potty. It’s only day two, and he’s already running out of material to write about!” However, that’s not the reason I’m going on about those things.
I’m doing it to warn you that I’m about to be unwontedly serious again.
Day two is, as you already know if you skipped ahead to the rest of the column, another literary-philosophical thing, this time having nothing to do with homosexual wizarding professors. This doesn’t mean that the next twenty-eight days will be about overanalyzing books or movies. Only twenty-seven of them will be, with the remaining day dedicated to fifteen pages of rambling about the Chef’s irrational man-crush on Nathan Fillion. Or maybe not. It may be twenty-seven days of Nathan Fillon man-lust. You never know.
But on to the topic at hand, which has nothing to do with Captain Tightpants. The Golden Compass, it seems, is stirring up a bit of controversy. For those not in the know, the movie is based on a series of books that are (in the author’s own words) about “killing God”. Naturally, the Christian fundamentalist crowd has taken exception to writing stories about assassinating the Big Guy, and has begun circulating emails denouncing the movie. An example of these, in all its poorly-written glory (you’d thing that once in a while, someone writing one of these emails would know something about how to actually write):
I don’t just generally dismiss a movie or book just because someone ‘says’ it’s meant to be something else…but this is worth knowing if you plan to see it (or plan to take your kids).
“Hi! I just wanted to inform you what I just learned about a movie that is coming out December 7, during the Christmas season, which is entitled THE GOLDEN COMPASS. It stars Nicole Kidman and it is directed toward children. What is disturbing to me is that this movie is based on the first of a trilogy of books for children called HIS DARK MATERIALS written by Philip Pullman of England.
He’s an atheist and his objective is to bash Christianity and promote atheism. I heard that he has made remarks that he wants to kill God in the minds of children, and that’s what his books are all about. He despises C.S. Lewis and Narnia, etc. An article written about him said “this is the most dangerous author in Britain” and that Pullman would be the writer “the atheists would be praying for, if atheists prayed.” Pullman said he doesn’t think it is possible that there is a God and he has great difficulty understanding the words “spiritual” and “spirituality.” What I thought was important to communicate is what part of the agenda is for making this picture. This movie is a watered down version of the first book, which is the least offensive of the three books. The second book of the trilogy is THE SUBTLE KNIFE and the third book is THE AMBER
SPYGLASS. Each book gets worse and worse regarding Pullman’s hatred of God. In the trilogy, a young girl becomes enmeshed in an epic struggle against a nefarious Church known as the Magisterium. Another character, an ex-nun, describes Christianity as “a very powerful and convincing mistake.” As I understand it, in the last book, a boy and
girl are depicted representing Adam and Eve and they kill God, who at times is called YAHWEH (which is definitely not Allah). Since the movie would seem mild if you viewed it, that’s been done on purpose.They are hoping that unsuspecting parents will take their children to See (sic) the movie, that they will enjoy the movie and then the children will want the books for Christmas. That’s the hook. Pullman says he wants the children to read the books and decide against God and the kingdom of heaven.
If you decide that you do not want to support something like this, I suggest that you boycott the movie and the books. I googled a synopsis of THE GOLDEN COMPASS. As I skimmed it, I couldn’t believe that in a children’s book part of the story is about castration and female circumcision.
Not having read the books or seen the movie, the Chef can only rely on his limited research on the topic (which consisted mainly of Googling it while looking at porn on the other screen). Aside from a bias against the author, the bare facts are true (and we must apologize to the Devil because we have only heard the opposition’s side of the story). The author is an atheist, and has said that he doesn’t really understand faith or spirituality. And of course, his books are expressions of his own religious beliefs (or, in this case, the lack thereof). He isn’t as horrible and villainous as the email makes him out to be, nor from what I can tell is the series intended for children. In fact, the movie is rated PG-13, meaning that if a parent paid attention to the good MPAA, they wouldn’t take small children to see it and put the kiddies in danger of evil Satanic atheist
mind-woogying. My guess is that the “it’s children’s booksâ€? comes from the assumption that any sort of fantasy series must be “kid stuffâ€? (similar to the assumption some people make about anime because it’s “cartoons”).
The question on the Chef’s mind would be, “How exactly is this any different than, say, Chronicles of Narnia or Left Behind, aside from the particular religion it’s pushing?â€?
The answer from the author or some other militant atheists would probably be, “It’s not pushing a religion; it’s just telling the truth!â€? When someone claims to know “the truthâ€? about God and all that cosmic mumbo-jumbo, that’s a spiritual path, whether they’re worshiping something or not. Although atheism isn’t a religion per se (since it obviously doesn’t endorse the worship of anything), it fills the same role of providing answers in someone’s life.
As far as the Chef is concerned, everyone – kids included – should be free to make their own choices as to how and if they worship and believe. That doesn’t mean banning religion the way the fundamentalist atheists want (I know, it’s a contradiction in terms, but it best describes their attitudes and methods), but nor does it involve promoting any one religion. Despite what the religious conservatives think, America is not a “Christianâ€? nation, nor should it be. That’s not to speak against Christianity, but just to point out that one of the so-called “rights” we have in this country is to worship anything we want, even if it’s bowing down to pray to the Maitre d’s unusually large potato-shaped head.
The truth is that books like The Golden Compass or The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, are religious allegories, and we can read and enjoy them and yes, even glean some spiritual teachings from them, even if we don’t agree with them. Opening up our minds and questioning our own beliefs should always be part of our spiritual growth. Like scientific theories, we should always be willing to revise our beliefs as we grow in life and see more of the world.
Without reading His Dark Materials, I can’t speak as to the literary quality of the series, which is where religious allegory comes in. Certainly it sounds less offensive in some ways than the “turn or burnâ€? message spewed by theLeft Behind series (I’ve never been able to figure out whether Left Behind was poorly-written science fiction disguised as apocalyptic fundamentalist nonsense or apocalyptic fundamentalist nonsense disguised as poorly-written science fiction.). A well-written allegory, like C.S. Lewis’s venerable Chronicles of Narnia, works on many levels. It is, first and foremost, and entertaining story, but it is not a literalist retelling of religious events (the Left Behind series fails on both of these accounts, because it makes a pathetic attempt at being literalist). Instead, it weaves the larger themes of its religious underpinnings into the story in a way that doesn’t intrude.
I’m going to leave behind my usual snide asides and be absolutely serious for a moment. I’m not going to profess my own beliefs (although if I get desperate enough for material by day 30, I might), but I will say this: in my own journey of beliefs, I have found one constant, no matter what religion or other path you follow, that remains true. No matter what path you follow (even if it is no path at all), spirituality is the quest for truth. It is an ongoing process toward a larger understanding, and if someone is not willing or able to look at new evidence in the world and see whether or not it fits into their belief system, that person is standing still. No matter what path someone follows, continuing to move forward and grow in faith (or in certainty without faith, if you’re an atheist) is essential. This includes exposing yourself to works like The Golden Compass that might challenge traditions and may not fit neatly into old beliefs.
There. I’m done being serious. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be silly. You never know.
The Chef was born 856 years ago on a small planet orbiting a star in the Argolis cluster. It was prophesied that the arrival of a child with a birthmark shaped like a tentacle would herald the planet's destruction. When the future Chef was born with just such a birthmark, panic ensued (this would not be the last time the Chef inspired such emotion). The child, tentacle and all, was loaded into a rocket-powered garbage scow and launched into space. Unfortunately, the rocket's exhaust ignited one of the spectators' flatulence, resulting in a massive explosion that detonated the planet's core, destroying the world and killing everyone on it.
When the would-be Chef awoke from his torpor, he looked around at the new world he found himself on. His first words were, “Hey, this place sucks." Disguising himself as one of the planet's dominant species of semi-domesticated ape, the being who would become known as the Chef wandered the Earth until he ended up in its most disreputable slum - Paris, France.
Taking a job as a can-can dancer, the young Chef made a living that way until one day one of the cooks at a local bistro fell ill with food poisoning (oh, bitter irony). In a desperate move, the bistro's owner rushed into one of the local dance halls, searching for a replacement. He grabbed the ugliest can-can dancer he could find, and found himself instead with an enterprising (if strange) young man who now decided, based on this random encounter, to only answer to the name “Chef".
His success as a French chef was immediate (but considering that this is a country where frogs and snails are considered delicacies, this may or may not be a significant achievement). Not only was the Chef's food delicious, it also kept down the local homeless population. He rose to the heights of stardom in French cuisine, and started a holy war against the United Kingdom to end the reign of terror British food had inflicted on its citizens.
When the Crimean War broke out around France, the Chef assisted Nikola Tesla and Galileo in perfecting the scanning electron microscope, which was crucial in driving back the oncoming Communist hordes. It would later be said that without the Chef, the war would have been lost. He was personally awarded a Purple Heart by the King of France.
After that, the Chef traveled to America, home of such dubious culinary delights as McDonald's Quarter Pounder With Cheese. He immediately adopted the Third World nation as his new home, seeing it as his job to protect and enlighten it. When the Vietnam War began, he immediately volunteered and served in the Army of the Potomac under Robert E. Lee and General Patton. During the war, the Chef killed dozens of Nazis, most of them with his bare hands.
Marching home from war across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, stark-naked and freezing, the Chef wound up on the shores of Mexico. He spent several years there, drinking tequila with Pancho Villa and James Dean. He put his culinary skills to the test when he invented the 5,000-calorie Breakfast Chili Burrito With Orange Sauce (which is today still a favorite in some parts of Sonora).
Eventually, the Chef returned to his adopted home of America, where he met a slimy, well-coiffed weasel who was starting up a new kind of buffet - one dedicated to providing the highest-quality unmentionable appetizers to the online community. The Chef dedicated himself to spreading the word of his famous Lard Sandwich (two large patties of fried lard, in between two slices of toasted buttered lard, with bacon and cheese), as well as occasionally writing about his opinions on less-important topics than food.
Every word of this is true, if only in the sense that every word of this exists in the English language.
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