Deconstructing Spammers

Spammers are funny people. From magic weight loss pills (lose inches!) to magic male enhancement pills (gain inches!), from company loans you’re pre-qualified for to get rich quick schemes guaranteed to work, they’re trying to sell us stuff we all want, but that no in in their right mind would think was legitimate. And yet, there’s that tiny 0.1%^* of the population who buys from them, making it a lucrative business.

And many of them don’t fully grasp English. Either that, or they’re writing crazy things to fool the artificially intelligent spam filters. Or maybe they’re just writing stuff in too much of a hurry to bother with proofreading. Those bajillion emails aren’t going to send themselves, now are they?

So rather than being moved by lust, envy, or greed to buy their products (which probably don’t work anyway), sometimes, you just can’t help but laugh at them.

“Interests: driving a car in the night…”

No, really. A spammer singed up for this phpBB forum I run, and put this down as his interests. Sure, it’s more original than the spammers who put down “porn” as their occupation and “sex” as their interest (hey, I try to leave my work at the office, but to each his own). And it’s a little less corny than the spammers who put down “singing” as their occupation and “dancing” as their interests. But still… this man wins the boring life award.

“A girl to be yours is here found!”

Really? Just what I always wanted. Am she make with the good talk English too?

“I very want to find my love.”

So do I. But unfortunately, no matter how desperately lonely I become (and make no mistake, I am desperately lonely), my standards are never going to sink below “someone who speaks a language that I know.”

No offense, I just like to be able to communicate with other people. It’s one of my quirks.

“No girls laugh at me now, haha, i laugh at them.”

Wow. Apparently whatever they’re selling turns you into a jerk.

Let’s imagine what your life would be like if you ordered their product:

Female coworker: “Hey, how’s it going?”
You: “Shut up and go away. I hate you. HAHA!”
Female coworker: “What’s gotten into you?”
You: “I just started taking these Bastard Pills™ I ordered off the internet! Also, die in a fire. HAHA!”
Female coworker: “Nice talking to you. I have to go see HR now.”

“Country hitmakers make no apologies”

That’s probably because the previous spammer sells a lot of Bastard Pills™ in the Nashville area.

“Beat her [censored] with your new big [censored] so that she knew who wears the pants!”

Apparently the makers of male enhancement products love domestic violence so much, they finally went through with that strategic partnership with the makers of Bastard Pills™.

Also, they need a writer who can conjugate verbs. In English.

“With [product name] you will get only one thing: results.”

This isn’t a spam subject line. This is a Chuck Norris joke. “With Chuck Norris, you will get only one thing: RESULTS.”

Seriously, if you want to keep that cushy spammer job, stop repeating crap you read on your WoW guild’s forums and start selling me on… whatever snake oil you’re supposed to be selling me on today.

Not that I’ll ever buy it. But, hey, a little effort would be appreciated.

“RE: Cannot even get on bed?”

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

“Will this stock be a ‘Super Nova’?”

Hint: no.

“it’s only fun and winning”

I’m betting it’s neither.

^* Numbers may not actually be accurate. In fact, I made this number up. But seriously, their conversion rate has to be absolutely abysmal.