July 15, 2015 – Tokyo, Japan – Residents of Tokyo paused for a moment today to look up and notice strange religious imagery in the skies over their city.
“Must be some kinda artistic something or other,” remarked one observer. “Frickin’ college kids running around painting graffiti everywhere like they own the place.”
“So that’s the path to God!” another witness hysterically shouted. “I had been so confused all of these years! But now this sign clearly shows the entire hierarchy of the cosmos!” He then ran off babbling incoherently.
“Holy sh–, did you see that?” one otaku who saw the symbols giggled gleefully. “That was the most friggin’ sweet thing I have ever seen!”
As no giant robot or kaiju attacks have been reported in the city limits proper, public interest in the matter remains low. Still, conspiracy theories abound online. General speculation is that this sign is a herald of the end of the world, but disagreements have arisen as to what that means exactly.
“While I respect the theory that this is some form of apocalypse,” one commenter replied, “I just can’t help feeling like we’re stuck in some out-of-context mishmash of Christianity, gnosticism, and the Kaballah that’s only weird for the sake of being weird.”
“Which is perfectly fine with me as long as there’s hot chicks in skin-tight plug suits,” he added.
“If you’d just read the Dead Sea Scrolls you’ll see that this has all been prophesied,” another poster added. “Well, not the real Dead Sea Scrolls that form the basis for modern Biblical translations. Those are no fun. I mean the ones you see referenced in sci-fi and the Weekly World News, that are chock full of eerily-accurate apocalyptic prophecies.”
Other discussions centered on the reaction to the event, both by individuals and the media as a whole.
“This is the most friggin’ sweet mindf–k I have ever had the pleasure of being involved in,” remarked an anonymous otaku.
“I can see why some people might be interested in symbols appearing in the sky,” remarked another poster. “Giant robots only destroyed two buildings today, so it’s sort of a slow news day.”
Gendo Ikari, commander of the military organization NERV and a horrible excuse for a father, held a press conference this evening to try and address the public’s mild interest in the incident.
Ikari said, “We have been looking into reports of the phenomenon, and have concluded that what people saw was nothing more than an ordinary weather balloon.”
When pressed to explain how a simple weather balloon could be seen as a giant, glowing diagram in the sky, Ikari added, “I don’t know, maybe one of our interns drew on it with a magic marker before we let it go?”
After noting that most of the attendees seemed unimpressed with this answer, Ikari’s demeanor changed. He folded his hands in front of his face and peered across the crowd through his thick, slightly-tinted glasses.
“You will all see what is going to happen. The wheels are in motion; there is nothing that can be done to stop it now. The old men of SEELE will get the event they want, but those bastards will not be in control of it,” Ikari stated forcefully.
“The truth is…” he added, and mouthed some incomprehensible words.
Ikari then stormed out of the conference room.
Reports have come in to Tokyo News that hours after the event, all of humanity was turned into puddles of odd orange-colored goo. This new physical state has hampered the residents of Tokyo, but most people still continue their daily lives as best they can.
“Look, I’ve been turned into a zombie, enthralled by wizards, stepped on by giant robots on two separate occasions, and hit by a blast from Godzilla’s breath weapon,” remarked one pile of orange Tang-like substance. “I think I can survive this.”
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