The Maitre d’s Christmas Anime Spectacular

Invader Zim – The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever

OK, Invader Zim isn’t actually an anime, but there’s enough overlap in the audiences of anime and Zim that I feel comfortable putting it on this list. That, and it’s truly one of the greatest Christmas episodes of anything I’ve ever watched.

“The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever” is an interesting episode, because it’s the last Zim episode made, and it pretty much wraps up the series. And by that I mean, it wraps up the series in the only possible way it could be wrapped up.

So, what can I say about this episode? Well, I’m not really sure. You have to experience it for yourself.

“WHO ARE THESE RED BEARDED MEN
WHO REEK OF HAM… AND VOMIT?!”

“… and two balls of glue TO BE MY FRIENDS!“

This rendition of Santa is way better
than that classic Coke ad.

I’m still not sure why the people of Earth
actually worship Santa.

My therapist says this might help my anxiety and OCD.

RAWWWR! SANTA SMASH!

“And that’s why we all live in protective domes.”

There are only two ways I could convey they sheer twistedness of this episode to you: a complete play-by-play of everything that happens, or a list of brilliant quotes. Neither of these makes for an entertaining article. So go buy disc 3 now and watch this. Heck, go buy the box set and watch this episode. And then the rest of the series. Now.

First off, yes, Futurama did the scary, evil Santa thing before, but Zim does it better. Way better. On Futurama the Santa robot is a recurring villain. Here, Santa is the being who brings about, for all practical purposes, the end of the world.

How does this happen? Well, Zim figures that if people dressed as Santa can get donations for The Salvation Army, then Santa must be the key to getting people to give you money. Money can be used to bring about the complete enslavement of humanity.

So he kidnaps a Santa and drains his brain of knowledge. A creepy, mentally unstable Santa, no less. No, not like the kind in “Daemonseed.” The kind that’s all happy and touchy-feely about how wonderful Santa and Christmas is.

So then Zim uses this knowledge to create a suit of nanomachines programmed with every bit of Santa lore he can find. He then puts on this suit, gets on TV, and claims that the real Santa has finally returned to his people. And the people of the world hand over all authority to Santa.

Wait… what? The world is just handing over power to Santa? And apparently Santa is some sort of hybrid of Jesus and King Arthur, destined to return to his people as a king? What are these people smoking?

Also, I’m not really sure why, but Zim keeps yelling “OH YEAH!” as he’s dressed up as Santa. Apparently Santa in Zim’s world is also Randy Savage from Slim Jim commercials in addition to being Jesus and King Arthur.

I should step back for a bit and mention the obvious: Zim has the resources to pull off this ruse where he pretends to be Santa and organizes a crowd of people to meet him at the North Pole. He could have taken over the world with a full-on assault easy, but nooooo, tricking everyone with a nano-suit made to look like Santa is better. Somebody didn’t read the Evil Overlord List.

Incidentally, however, this scene gives us one of the greatest Christmas songs ever written:

Bow down, bow down,
before the power of Santa,
or be crushed, be crushed,
by his jolly boots of doom

Of course, being made out of some sort of high-tech, programmable nanomachines, Zim’s Santa suit is destined to fail. He’s nearly thwarted when he’s swarmed by a mob of filthy stinkchildren. And apparently things like Christmas songs and candy canes give the suit power and make it act all happy and Christmasy instead of evil.

Zim creates a device to stabilize the suit (and his own mental state, which is being increasingly controlled by the suit). It’s a giant screw he has to jam into his forehead. (Strangely, this is the same way I deal with all of my various and sundry mental issues.)

So, anyway, even though the suit seems like it’s about to implode, Zim’s nemesis Dib shows up in a giant robot to stop the party. (I think I hear the Chef giving another “hell yeah!” at the words ‘giant robot.’) So, to fight him, the Santa suit… becomes a giant spider kaiju? What?

Anyway, Dib makes an insightful speech about the true meaning of Christmas and tosses the Santa suit out into space.

And then Zim tries his next scheme: dressing up like the Easter Shrimp. Huh?

But how’s that apocalyptic? Well, at the very end, we segue to the friendly robot snowman telling kids the story of the Most Horrible X-Mas Ever, two million years later.

“Santa wasn’t destroyed. Santa lives on. … And every year he returns to Earth. That’s why we all live in this protective dome.”

There are a few more quotes I want to leave you with, just because they’re so hilarious.

• (Gir, when asked what he wants for Christmas) “… and two balls of glue TO BE MAH FRIENDS!“
• “… tell me about these red bearded men who smell of ham… and vomit!”
• “To the Jingle Jail with the non-believer!”

Feel free to work these into your normal holiday greetings.