Unlike some other cults, the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan (also known as Roboreaganology) admits that it is, like all other religions, a moneymaking scheme. We are honest about our capitalist origins and beliefs.
In the days of old, Capitalism brought forth a great nation, a shining beacon of hope and liberty. Guided by the words of the prophet Adam Smith, this nation rose to great heights of glory. However, in the time of Caesar Gorbechev, America’s people were beset by trials and tribulations at the hands of Communism’s forces. To save His chosen nation, Capitalism brought forth a Savior from the land of California. His name was Governor, The Great Communicator, The Statesman, The President, whose name means “Capitalism With Us�.
This Savior, the Great Ronald Reagan, with His powers of Patriotism and Truth, brought the heathen Communist hordes to their knees. With His bare hands, the Governor ripped a solar panel from the roof of the White House and used it to smite the evil environmentalists who threatened the nation’s prosperity. The Communists were contained, and Golden Age ensued, and it was good. However, even the Great One would fall victim to that most insidious of diseases, Old Age, which was sent by Communism to bring him low.
But even as He died, the Reagan promised to return to one day lead His chosen people. The devout witnessed His sacred head removed and stored away in a blessed canopic jar. It was taken to Area 51, where His head shall reside until it is time for Him to rise again in glory.
It is we, the true believers, Capitalism’s chosen, who will give our wealth to our church, and with it we will build a new body for Our Lord Reagan.
And when that day comes, the Reagan will rise up in his immortal robot body to rule Capitalism’s chosen land. He will slay the cyborg False Governor, the Antichrist Arnold, pretender to the throne, in a fight to the robotic death. His return will begin a new Golden Age, a time when Capitalism’s hand will spread across America, and the immortal robot Reagan shall rule forever.
Praise Capitalism!
The Chef was born 856 years ago on a small planet orbiting a star in the Argolis cluster. It was prophesied that the arrival of a child with a birthmark shaped like a tentacle would herald the planet's destruction. When the future Chef was born with just such a birthmark, panic ensued (this would not be the last time the Chef inspired such emotion). The child, tentacle and all, was loaded into a rocket-powered garbage scow and launched into space. Unfortunately, the rocket's exhaust ignited one of the spectators' flatulence, resulting in a massive explosion that detonated the planet's core, destroying the world and killing everyone on it.
When the would-be Chef awoke from his torpor, he looked around at the new world he found himself on. His first words were, “Hey, this place sucks." Disguising himself as one of the planet's dominant species of semi-domesticated ape, the being who would become known as the Chef wandered the Earth until he ended up in its most disreputable slum - Paris, France.
Taking a job as a can-can dancer, the young Chef made a living that way until one day one of the cooks at a local bistro fell ill with food poisoning (oh, bitter irony). In a desperate move, the bistro's owner rushed into one of the local dance halls, searching for a replacement. He grabbed the ugliest can-can dancer he could find, and found himself instead with an enterprising (if strange) young man who now decided, based on this random encounter, to only answer to the name “Chef".
His success as a French chef was immediate (but considering that this is a country where frogs and snails are considered delicacies, this may or may not be a significant achievement). Not only was the Chef's food delicious, it also kept down the local homeless population. He rose to the heights of stardom in French cuisine, and started a holy war against the United Kingdom to end the reign of terror British food had inflicted on its citizens.
When the Crimean War broke out around France, the Chef assisted Nikola Tesla and Galileo in perfecting the scanning electron microscope, which was crucial in driving back the oncoming Communist hordes. It would later be said that without the Chef, the war would have been lost. He was personally awarded a Purple Heart by the King of France.
After that, the Chef traveled to America, home of such dubious culinary delights as McDonald's Quarter Pounder With Cheese. He immediately adopted the Third World nation as his new home, seeing it as his job to protect and enlighten it. When the Vietnam War began, he immediately volunteered and served in the Army of the Potomac under Robert E. Lee and General Patton. During the war, the Chef killed dozens of Nazis, most of them with his bare hands.
Marching home from war across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, stark-naked and freezing, the Chef wound up on the shores of Mexico. He spent several years there, drinking tequila with Pancho Villa and James Dean. He put his culinary skills to the test when he invented the 5,000-calorie Breakfast Chili Burrito With Orange Sauce (which is today still a favorite in some parts of Sonora).
Eventually, the Chef returned to his adopted home of America, where he met a slimy, well-coiffed weasel who was starting up a new kind of buffet - one dedicated to providing the highest-quality unmentionable appetizers to the online community. The Chef dedicated himself to spreading the word of his famous Lard Sandwich (two large patties of fried lard, in between two slices of toasted buttered lard, with bacon and cheese), as well as occasionally writing about his opinions on less-important topics than food.
Every word of this is true, if only in the sense that every word of this exists in the English language.
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