January 25, 2008 – CLEARWATER, FL. (AP) The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, known for short as Roboreaganology, has filed suit against the heads of the Church of Scientology. The suit alleges the Church of Scientology has defrauded its believers through failure to admit that the church is in fact a moneymaking scheme.
“We believe firmly in honesty with one’s congregation,” said The Chef, High Exchequer of the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, said in a press release on Monday. “Like Scientology, we are out to make money. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s like L. Ron Hubbard said – the way to make a million dollars is to start your own religion. We’ve taken that to heart. Capitalism wants our believers to give freely to the church. Sadly, our brethren at the Church of Scientology have failed to disclose that underpinning of both our faiths to their adherents. That’s what this lawsuit is about.”
The Chef went on to note that during the Middle Ages, even the Catholic Church admitted to amassing money and temporal power in preparation for God’s coming.
“Historically, religion has been full of moneymaking schemes,” The Chef said. “We’re only the latest in a long line of religions started just to make a buck. Unlike Scientology, we freely admit that instead of trying to hide it through threats and intimidation. If anything, we feel that we at the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan are more true to L. Ron Hubbard’s vision than they are.”
The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan preaches a belief that one day the Lord Ronald Reagan will return to usher in a Golden Age of prosperity. Until that day, its believers prepare for His coming by donating money to be spent on constructing the beloved President a new, robotic body. Reagan’s preserved head is currently stored in a jar at Area 51.
When asked, The Chef also categorically denied that he had at any point spent church funds on buying a Porsche. “That’s a dirty lie and completely false,” he responded. “It was a Mercedes.”
While Scientology may boast celebrities such as Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and John Travolta as prominent members, the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan also has its share of famous believers. Followers of Roboreaganology include Yakov Smirnoff, Wil Wheaton, and Pauly Shore.
The Chef was born 856 years ago on a small planet orbiting a star in the Argolis cluster. It was prophesied that the arrival of a child with a birthmark shaped like a tentacle would herald the planet's destruction. When the future Chef was born with just such a birthmark, panic ensued (this would not be the last time the Chef inspired such emotion). The child, tentacle and all, was loaded into a rocket-powered garbage scow and launched into space. Unfortunately, the rocket's exhaust ignited one of the spectators' flatulence, resulting in a massive explosion that detonated the planet's core, destroying the world and killing everyone on it.
When the would-be Chef awoke from his torpor, he looked around at the new world he found himself on. His first words were, “Hey, this place sucks." Disguising himself as one of the planet's dominant species of semi-domesticated ape, the being who would become known as the Chef wandered the Earth until he ended up in its most disreputable slum - Paris, France.
Taking a job as a can-can dancer, the young Chef made a living that way until one day one of the cooks at a local bistro fell ill with food poisoning (oh, bitter irony). In a desperate move, the bistro's owner rushed into one of the local dance halls, searching for a replacement. He grabbed the ugliest can-can dancer he could find, and found himself instead with an enterprising (if strange) young man who now decided, based on this random encounter, to only answer to the name “Chef".
His success as a French chef was immediate (but considering that this is a country where frogs and snails are considered delicacies, this may or may not be a significant achievement). Not only was the Chef's food delicious, it also kept down the local homeless population. He rose to the heights of stardom in French cuisine, and started a holy war against the United Kingdom to end the reign of terror British food had inflicted on its citizens.
When the Crimean War broke out around France, the Chef assisted Nikola Tesla and Galileo in perfecting the scanning electron microscope, which was crucial in driving back the oncoming Communist hordes. It would later be said that without the Chef, the war would have been lost. He was personally awarded a Purple Heart by the King of France.
After that, the Chef traveled to America, home of such dubious culinary delights as McDonald's Quarter Pounder With Cheese. He immediately adopted the Third World nation as his new home, seeing it as his job to protect and enlighten it. When the Vietnam War began, he immediately volunteered and served in the Army of the Potomac under Robert E. Lee and General Patton. During the war, the Chef killed dozens of Nazis, most of them with his bare hands.
Marching home from war across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, stark-naked and freezing, the Chef wound up on the shores of Mexico. He spent several years there, drinking tequila with Pancho Villa and James Dean. He put his culinary skills to the test when he invented the 5,000-calorie Breakfast Chili Burrito With Orange Sauce (which is today still a favorite in some parts of Sonora).
Eventually, the Chef returned to his adopted home of America, where he met a slimy, well-coiffed weasel who was starting up a new kind of buffet - one dedicated to providing the highest-quality unmentionable appetizers to the online community. The Chef dedicated himself to spreading the word of his famous Lard Sandwich (two large patties of fried lard, in between two slices of toasted buttered lard, with bacon and cheese), as well as occasionally writing about his opinions on less-important topics than food.
Every word of this is true, if only in the sense that every word of this exists in the English language.
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