Deconstructing Spammers 4

It should probably be clear at this point that I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel as far as funny spam emails go. It’s not that I’m getting less spam, I just have to save up the good stuff because it’s so rare. The vast majority of it is male enhancement ads, which really aren’t funny. Well, they are funny, but in the way that crude jokes are funny–yeah, you get a laugh, but it doesn’t take much work, you just have to say something horribly offensive. I’d like to think I’m above that, and that I go the extra mile to make you people laugh in a somewhat intellectually stimulating way.

That said, this will probably be my last “Deconstructing Spammers” for a while. I still have a couple of “A Legacy of Failure” articles I can do, but seeing as no one really read through those, I figure, meh. I really need to come up with some better ideas for articles.

But anyway, on with the spam:

“Falling In Love With You”

I’ll take “Phrases No Woman Will Ever Use In Relation To Me” for $500, Alex.

“Happy I’ll Be Your Bride”

I’ll take “Phrases No Woman Will Ever Use In Relation To Me” for $400, Alex.

“You’re In My Thoughts”

I’ll take “Phrases No Woman Will Ever User In Rel…. ok, this joke is going to get old. Also, I made myself sad.

The message on this one is simply “You… In My Dreams.” That would sound more romantic if it weren’t in Engrish. It’s like someone from Japan who doesn’t speak a bit of English decided to do a cover of a Rod Stewart song and FAILED.

“Hugging My Pillow”

It’s that thing I do right before I cry myself to sleep at night.

“Re: ‘I hope it will have some effect.'”

I hope it will too. But it probably won’t. That’s the way these things go. Wait… what were we talking about again?

“Do not be shame by reason of of your male instrument length.”

There is not a part of this sentence that does not contain a grammatical error.

Yes, the original email actually said “of of.” That’s not a typo on my part.

“Big instrument is the fact that all girl love.

You know, I didn’t believe you could write a sentence more screwed-up than the last one, but… the spammers, they have gone above and beyond my expectations yet again.

“Helping geezers score since 1999”

Thanks for that mental image, you obnoxious jerks.

“How many CEOs Went to School?”

Ah, gee, I should know this. Think. You know, um… gah, I was never good at these word problems. If a train leaves New York heading west at 20mph… and the value of X is 7… and, well, I’m going to say 3. Was I close?

“Are you a real man?”

No, if you must know, I’m a woman living as a man.

It’s a long story. My parents, they always wanted a son, but they didn’t want to have a second child.

“Oyster Perpetual Cosmograph Daytona”

MONKEY ETERNAL ECHOCARDIOGRAM NASHVILLE!

“To Men Who Want To Buy Rolex Watches At A Fraction Of The Price”

Is it just me, or would you expect the next words out of his mouth to be, “I got a cardboard box full of ’em in my trunk. I’ll sells ya all ya want just as long as ya don’t ask no questions about where they came from.”

“Jaeger-LeCoultre replica watch Luxury isnt a sin”

As part of The Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, I believe that wearing a watch is a sin. We should value the sanctity of machines, not strap them to our wrists and make them serve us.

“Three Steps to the Software You Need at the Prices You Want”

Wait, I think I’ve heard this plan before:

1. Find the software you need.
2. ???
3. Profit!

Alternatively:

1. Cut a hole in the box.
2. Put the software in the box.
3. Have her open the box.

Wait, no. That’s not it either. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. I think there’s really only one step, and that’s to download it off Bittorrent.

“Hello my new friend!!!”

This one was an interesting email. First, I thought perhaps Mahir was emailing me. “Hello my new friend!!!!! I kiss you!!!!!”

Then the first thing I see is a picture of a woman. And not like one of those pictures. Like, a normal picture someone would take and post on the internet. But she can’t be the person who sent the email, unless her name is Archaimbaud Gregory. And I don’t want to meet the woman whose name is Archaimbaud Gregory, because she probably has some issues.

So some girl on Match.com should probably be pissed as hell that this spammer is sending her picture around to people. And yes, I’ve already deleted this email, so no, you can’t have her picture.

“Re: develop problem-solving”

If you are buying something from a spam email, then you fail at problem-solving skills already.

“We’ll show you the best games online”

Sorry, I already know about Halo 3 and World of Warcraft. kthxbye.

“brushlike joystick nutrition?”

PRECISELY!!!

“Just waiting for a Breitling”

If you ordered it from a spam email, then I wouldn’t hold my breath. Sucker.

“Christmas presents for everyone”

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Seriously, though, this email came in on January 17.

“become a God in her bedroom!”

Yes, they used the big-G God. This is a first. Instead of spam being merely sexually explicit or an outright lie, it’s now crossed the line into blasphemy.

Because apparently, somewhere out there, there was a spammer who thought he might not already be going to hell.

“Make your bedroom life so different!”

Right now, I sleep and waste time on the computer in the bedroom. Are you suggesting I should move my TV up here so I can also play XBox in the bedroom as well?

You, sir, may be a genius.