15 minute mark- I come in from picking up lunch and Nathan and Crystal are sitting on the couch watching a movie. Judging from the precocious 8 year-old and the presence of actor/steroid aficionado Dwayne “The Rock� Johnson, my detective’s instincts tell me this must be “The Gameplan�. Another piece of Disney’s intricate plan to control behavior among the adult male population by placing action movie stars in D-list family comedies starting with the word “The�. I’m not sure, but I believe that John Grisham is prominently involved.
In any case, the movie is pretty much exactly like the commercials they kept airing during its original theater run, with bits of witty banter between the Rock and his intellectual counterpart during the film, some supposed 8 year-old whose name I can’t be bothered to look up, even though I’m writing this on a computer that’s hooked up to the internet using an unholy amount of bandwidth. The fact is, I’d rather write half a paragraph explaining why I don’t care about who any of the people in this movie are than look up their names on IMDB.
So far, the little girl is making up some bullshit story about how her mom put her in a taxi with no supervision and said “Hey, go see your Daddy- Momma’s gotta blow a couple of G’s in Atlantic City!� It’s clear that the girl is obviously hiding something, but is using her intellectual prowess to distract the Rock from doing the obvious thing- calling the Department of Children’s Services. The Rock then accepts the fact that this girl is actually his daughter, forgoing any sort of paternity test or asking any of the obvious questions that one would have if their supposed child showed up at their doorstep on their own with no forewarning.
45 minute mark- By this time, I’ve learned two things about the main characters in this film:
1 hour, 15 minute mark- After reading a few pages of Stormlight (a delightful fantasy adventure novel by Forgotten Realms creator Ed Greenwood chronicling one of Storm Silverhand’s many adventures), I decide to finish moving my computer to my upstairs bedroom so I can actually, um, use my computer, rather than having it be ambient furniture for the basement.
1 hour, 45 minute mark- by now, I’m giddy, because according to the Smash Bros website, Marth is returning as a character in the upcoming Super Smash Bros: Brawl. I go in to the living room to share my excitement, and I realize people are watching some movie or another. Judging by the presence of actor/steroid aficionado Dwayne “the Rock� Johnson and a precocious 8 year-old, I’m gathering this is “The Gameplan�. It seems like I remember reading something about this movie someplace before. Apparently, the little girl is a bitch and the Rock is a pompous asshole. Apparently, the Rock took too much of the clear while hanging out with Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds (allegedly), and nearly killed the little girl. Hilarity ensues.
1 hour, 50 minute mark- it’s the big game. So far, the Rock is sinking like … Peyton Manning in the parking lot outside of a gay bar (allegedly … okay, so I just made it up. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, though). Then the little girl shows up. They talk for a minute and the Rock magically plays better. They win. Hooray.
In the end, it was a pretty decent movie. Everything ended happily, with Marth being in the new Smash Bros, and my computer now being easily accessible, so I can look up porn while my wife is hard at work cleaning our bedroom. This way, I can make sure she doesn’t fuck something up like forgetting where my t-shirts should go in the closet.
I’d give it a C squared, if for no other fact than I finally got to catch up on some reading.
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