Real-Time Review- DOA: Dead or Alive

DISCLAIMER: EVENTS DEPICTED BEFORE THE DAWN OF TIME ARE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND MAY ONLY BE 99.99% HISTORICALLY ACCURATE

The Dawn of Time:

God, Ronald Reagan, and Tomonobu Itagaki were sitting around watching Chuck Norris invent his Mega-Super Kung Fu Ninjitsu, when Itagaki turned to God and said, “Hey, this is cool and all, but can’t you turn Chuck into a chick or something? Chicks doing martial arts would be totally hot!� God, of course, refused, for turning Chuck Norris into a hot chick would upset the balance of the universe, as it was not designed to contain that level of hot awesomeness. So, Itagaki decided to leave the Council of the Almighty and descend to Earth to fulfill his dream of hot chicks performing Mega-Super Kung Fu Ninjitsu.

1997:

Itagaki, after thousands of years, creates the greatest video game series ever conceived- Dead or Alive

2007

In an odd instance of art imitating life, a series of events happen leading to the release of a Dead or Alive live-action movie. Somewhere in Hollywood, film producer Bernd Eichinger and director Cory Yuen were talking one day, when Bernd said that there would never be a good movie based on a video game. In his hubris, Cory proclaimed, “I can turn any video game into a cinematic masterpiece, BELIEVE IT!!! Thus, Cory Yuen was granted two weeks to create a movie based on, of course, Dead or Alive.

Elsewhere in the country, the owner of a major chain of movie theaters realized that he could make far more money by showing bad movies than good ones. Thus, he swore an oath to find the worst movie ever created

Meanwhile, Audrey Hepburn and Uma Thurman began to Kung Fu fight.

Christmas, 2007:

I receive the Dead or Alive movie as a gag gift. The Dead or Alive I know is about skill and timing … and hot chicks fighting.