Real-Time Review- DOA: Dead or Alive

Opening:

We see Kasumi and Hayabusa (of Ninja Gaiden fame) discussing the disappearance of clan leader Hayate (who is also Kasumi’s brother), who failed to return home after leaving the clan to fight in the previous Dead or Alive tournament. They all presume he’s dead, of course, instead of just a loser too embarrassed to come home. Kasumi wishes to leave the clan, but of course, as we all know after my experience with the Wu Tang Clan yesterday, that anyone who leaves the clan must die. Enter my personal favorite character from Dead or Alive, Ayane. Kasumi tells Ayane she understands how she loved her brother Hayate, and wants to bring him back to her. Then, after fighting 8,987,345 ninjas from the Mugen-Tenshin Clan while Ayane was taking a pee break off camera, Kasumi escapes by jumping off a cliff to her death … at least she would have if she wasn’t conveniently wearing a parachute … a parachute that turns into an effing hang glider!! There’s no doubt in my mind this is going to be the Citizen Kane of the 21st century, BELIEVE IT!!!

AWESOME FACT!!

In the canonical video game story of Dead or Alive, Kasumi and Hayate are, in fact, siblings. But did you know that Kasumi and Ayane have the same mother? That’s right, Ayane was a product of the rape of Kasumi’s mother by the bad guy in the first game, which makes her and Hayate half-siblings as well. Barring some sort of Star Wars-esque intervention here, we’re into in for some good-old fashioned video game-based movie incest here, sports fans, BELIEVE IT!!

10 minute mark:

We’re now introduced to some of the other characters. Tina and Christie, specifically. The presentation of the film does a brief profile telling you each character’s name and a brief description. Cory Yuen is a genius, I say!!

15 minute mark:

We’re introduced to DOATEC heiress Helena Douglas via a video in which she welcomes the DOA tournament contestants. Naturally, the only way for the contestants to reach the brilliantly-named “Dead or Alive Island� is to parachute their way down. Hardcore!! It’s like Point Break with hot chicks!!

25 minute mark:

To get them ready, all the contestants have to undergo a physical. This, of course, means seeing all of the female contestants in their underwear. Brilliant!! Also, they are implanted with nano-machines. This way, the people behind the tournament can see how they’re doing with their innovative life-bar technology. Why don’t we have this technology already? Why, I ask!?

30 minute mark:

The tournament begins in earnest. Naturally all of the men except for Hayabusa lose. In the interim, we get to watch Tina and her father Bass (who is a genetic hybrid between the two greatest steroid abusers not involved in Major League Baseball [allegedly] of our time) re-enact some repressed memories from Tina’s childhood as Bass tosses his daughter around and gropes on her.

AWESOME FACT!!

In one scene, Christie inexplicably ends up in Tina’s bed just as Bass walks in. Bass, of course, assumes he’s just discovered his daughter is a lesbian. In a display worthy of a paragon of fatherhood such as Bass, he walks off, presumably to go masturbate in his hotel room, BELIEVE IT!!