(AP) The Chef, High Exchequer of the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, announced Wednesday that the church, which recently won a lawsuit against the Church of Scientology for copyright infringement, would begin a new campaign of advertising and evangelism. The theme of this campaign is three simple words: “Offer Them Reagan”. With this new theme for evangelism, the church also chose the book Three Simple Rules For Living As Reagan (How To Have Firmer Buns in Thirty Days), by the renowned theologian Andy Dick, as a guide for meditation and study into the teachings of Ronald Reagan.
“You see, what the author has done is reinterpret the teachings of Roboreaganology in a way that makes it easier to introduce new customers- er, worshipers to the way Reagan wants us to live,” The Chef explained. “It doesn’t replace the Word of Reagan as revealed in our holy text, Reaganetics – available now for only $49.95! – but it boils some very complex spiritual stuff down to three rules the cretins can get their heads around. You’re not going to use that ‘cretin’ part, are you?”
The three “simple rules” quoted in the book are as follows:
“These are three very simple rules to memorize, but they’re difficult to truly understand,” The Chef stated. “True understanding, of course, requires our weekly seminars – for a modest fee, of course – and spiritual retreats, that sort of thing. All services the Church of Roboreaganology is glad to provide to believers.”
“We feel that today a start-up religion doesn’t have to be relevant to the modern world or even provide any meaningful answers,” The Chef continued, “Instead, all we have to do is put out some simple, easy-to-remember rules people can follow. Or if not follow, at least to spout anytime someone asks them what they believe – actually acting on beliefs is secondary to having snappy sound bites. It also keeps people from doing stupid things like weighing their beliefs against the real world – wouldn’t want that happening.”
The Chef was born 856 years ago on a small planet orbiting a star in the Argolis cluster. It was prophesied that the arrival of a child with a birthmark shaped like a tentacle would herald the planet's destruction. When the future Chef was born with just such a birthmark, panic ensued (this would not be the last time the Chef inspired such emotion). The child, tentacle and all, was loaded into a rocket-powered garbage scow and launched into space. Unfortunately, the rocket's exhaust ignited one of the spectators' flatulence, resulting in a massive explosion that detonated the planet's core, destroying the world and killing everyone on it.
When the would-be Chef awoke from his torpor, he looked around at the new world he found himself on. His first words were, “Hey, this place sucks." Disguising himself as one of the planet's dominant species of semi-domesticated ape, the being who would become known as the Chef wandered the Earth until he ended up in its most disreputable slum - Paris, France.
Taking a job as a can-can dancer, the young Chef made a living that way until one day one of the cooks at a local bistro fell ill with food poisoning (oh, bitter irony). In a desperate move, the bistro's owner rushed into one of the local dance halls, searching for a replacement. He grabbed the ugliest can-can dancer he could find, and found himself instead with an enterprising (if strange) young man who now decided, based on this random encounter, to only answer to the name “Chef".
His success as a French chef was immediate (but considering that this is a country where frogs and snails are considered delicacies, this may or may not be a significant achievement). Not only was the Chef's food delicious, it also kept down the local homeless population. He rose to the heights of stardom in French cuisine, and started a holy war against the United Kingdom to end the reign of terror British food had inflicted on its citizens.
When the Crimean War broke out around France, the Chef assisted Nikola Tesla and Galileo in perfecting the scanning electron microscope, which was crucial in driving back the oncoming Communist hordes. It would later be said that without the Chef, the war would have been lost. He was personally awarded a Purple Heart by the King of France.
After that, the Chef traveled to America, home of such dubious culinary delights as McDonald's Quarter Pounder With Cheese. He immediately adopted the Third World nation as his new home, seeing it as his job to protect and enlighten it. When the Vietnam War began, he immediately volunteered and served in the Army of the Potomac under Robert E. Lee and General Patton. During the war, the Chef killed dozens of Nazis, most of them with his bare hands.
Marching home from war across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, stark-naked and freezing, the Chef wound up on the shores of Mexico. He spent several years there, drinking tequila with Pancho Villa and James Dean. He put his culinary skills to the test when he invented the 5,000-calorie Breakfast Chili Burrito With Orange Sauce (which is today still a favorite in some parts of Sonora).
Eventually, the Chef returned to his adopted home of America, where he met a slimy, well-coiffed weasel who was starting up a new kind of buffet - one dedicated to providing the highest-quality unmentionable appetizers to the online community. The Chef dedicated himself to spreading the word of his famous Lard Sandwich (two large patties of fried lard, in between two slices of toasted buttered lard, with bacon and cheese), as well as occasionally writing about his opinions on less-important topics than food.
Every word of this is true, if only in the sense that every word of this exists in the English language.
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