Clearwater, FL (AP) The Chef, High Exchequer of the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan, revealed on Monday a new vision of the future: the long-prophesied return of the Snake Hooptie is at hand. The fabled car/cobra hybrid is seen by many Roboreaganologists as a sign that the imminent resurrection of their Lord is due to occur soon. In accordance with Roboreaganologist theology, many believe that the Snake Hooptie will arise to consume half of mankind and rule over the other half for a thousand years until the Immortal Robot Reagan rises in his cyborg body to destroy it and usher in a new era of peace, prosperity, and Capitalism.
The vision reportedly occurred immediately after the Chef consumed a leftover Bonzo Burger. “It had been sitting in the fridge for about a week, but I was really hungry and there wasn’t any other food in the house,” the Chef remarked. “The power might have been off for a while last Thursday, but I don’t think the mayo had gone bad or anything.”
The Chef went on to describe his vision. “I saw the car – it was blacker than midnight – floating down on a cloud. Its hood ornament was the naked torso of a beautiful woman – the body of an angel. And she had the head of a rattlesnake! And her tongue was flicking out like this-” The High Exchequer proceeded to demonstrate. “I took all this to mean that the Snake Hooptie was coming for us, and soon.”
The Chef noted that the full vision of the Snake Hooptie and the coming rule of the Immortal Robot Reagan will be available in the Church’s new book, Devoured! The Last Testament of the Snake Hooptie. Currently in the process of being published, the book will be available through the Church of the Immortal Robot Reagan for $49.95. “It’s a really good read,” the Chef remarked. “I’m pretty sure I was sober when I wrote it. Praise Capitalism!”
The Snake Hooptie declined to comment.
The Chef was born 856 years ago on a small planet orbiting a star in the Argolis cluster. It was prophesied that the arrival of a child with a birthmark shaped like a tentacle would herald the planet's destruction. When the future Chef was born with just such a birthmark, panic ensued (this would not be the last time the Chef inspired such emotion). The child, tentacle and all, was loaded into a rocket-powered garbage scow and launched into space. Unfortunately, the rocket's exhaust ignited one of the spectators' flatulence, resulting in a massive explosion that detonated the planet's core, destroying the world and killing everyone on it.
When the would-be Chef awoke from his torpor, he looked around at the new world he found himself on. His first words were, “Hey, this place sucks." Disguising himself as one of the planet's dominant species of semi-domesticated ape, the being who would become known as the Chef wandered the Earth until he ended up in its most disreputable slum - Paris, France.
Taking a job as a can-can dancer, the young Chef made a living that way until one day one of the cooks at a local bistro fell ill with food poisoning (oh, bitter irony). In a desperate move, the bistro's owner rushed into one of the local dance halls, searching for a replacement. He grabbed the ugliest can-can dancer he could find, and found himself instead with an enterprising (if strange) young man who now decided, based on this random encounter, to only answer to the name “Chef".
His success as a French chef was immediate (but considering that this is a country where frogs and snails are considered delicacies, this may or may not be a significant achievement). Not only was the Chef's food delicious, it also kept down the local homeless population. He rose to the heights of stardom in French cuisine, and started a holy war against the United Kingdom to end the reign of terror British food had inflicted on its citizens.
When the Crimean War broke out around France, the Chef assisted Nikola Tesla and Galileo in perfecting the scanning electron microscope, which was crucial in driving back the oncoming Communist hordes. It would later be said that without the Chef, the war would have been lost. He was personally awarded a Purple Heart by the King of France.
After that, the Chef traveled to America, home of such dubious culinary delights as McDonald's Quarter Pounder With Cheese. He immediately adopted the Third World nation as his new home, seeing it as his job to protect and enlighten it. When the Vietnam War began, he immediately volunteered and served in the Army of the Potomac under Robert E. Lee and General Patton. During the war, the Chef killed dozens of Nazis, most of them with his bare hands.
Marching home from war across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, stark-naked and freezing, the Chef wound up on the shores of Mexico. He spent several years there, drinking tequila with Pancho Villa and James Dean. He put his culinary skills to the test when he invented the 5,000-calorie Breakfast Chili Burrito With Orange Sauce (which is today still a favorite in some parts of Sonora).
Eventually, the Chef returned to his adopted home of America, where he met a slimy, well-coiffed weasel who was starting up a new kind of buffet - one dedicated to providing the highest-quality unmentionable appetizers to the online community. The Chef dedicated himself to spreading the word of his famous Lard Sandwich (two large patties of fried lard, in between two slices of toasted buttered lard, with bacon and cheese), as well as occasionally writing about his opinions on less-important topics than food.
Every word of this is true, if only in the sense that every word of this exists in the English language.
RSS Feed
Podcast
Twitter
Facebook
YouTube Videos