Real Time Review: Dragon Ball: Evolution

 

Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends- I’m so glad you could attend!  Come inside, come inside …

It’s been quite a while, hasn’t it?  Well, I’m making up for it by bringing you a truly horrible piece of garbage, so sit back, fire up the movie if you’re feeling froggy, and enjoy the hatefest that is to come …

 

7:00: The DVD opens with a trailer for "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li". I love the idea behind this: "If you nerds liked how we fucked up the movie you’re about to watch, you’ll love this other franchise that we’ve FUBARed!"

7:01: The movie starts with an explaination of King Piccolo’s attack on earth. Beside a young Goku having defeated Piccolo in the original Dragon Ball, why even bother explaining this. Anyone who’s watching this movie either already knows who Piccolo is, or if they don’t, they’ll probably leave the movie screaming while their eyes bleed.

7:04 Goku and Grandpa Gohan begin their training- boy, I sure hope nothing bad happens to Grandpa Gohan, since he’s not the one who trains Goku in the anime …

7:07 Grandpa gives Goku the four-star Dragon Ball. Geoffrey: "Eww, he’s touching it!"

7:10: A black guy tries to pick a fight with Goku. Me: "Don’t do it Goku- they’ll charge you with a hate crime!"

7:12: We see Piccolo riding on a … something. As luck would have it, he has a Dragon Ball of his own.

7:14 Some asian hotness with a gun shows up to steal yet another Dragon Ball for Piccolo. Apparently the only gun they could afford for the movie was a 1980’s Lazer Tag gun. Then, we see the Heroes logo.

7:15 Here’s a faux paux for all you DBZ fans: Goku pronunces "Namek" as "Nemek".

7:16 Goku reveals himself to be a Jedi by using the force to open a whole bunch of lockers. Chi Chi is apparently okay with this because she knows about "ki". So do I. You wanna get in my pants too, Chi Chi?

7:18 Goku is trying to slick back his hair for Chi Chi’s party. Unfortunately, he’s stuck with Anime Hair, regardless of what he does. Awesome.

7:19 Goku gets into a non-fight with a bunch of teenagers. This is actually one of the more believeable things to happen in Dragon Ball. I mean, if he can stop energy blasts the size of Earth by crossing his arms, surely he can kick a bunch of guys asses by not throwing a punch.

7:22: Grandpa sits in the house pathetically waiting for Goku to come back. Oh look, Piccolo is here to keep him company! And to force grip him, apparently. And blow his house in.

7:24 Goku shows up to find his cardboard house caved in, and Grandpa mortally wounded by prop siding. He dies- shocker.

7:27: Goku pulls out a gawd-awful orange jump suit. Believe it!

7:28: Another chick with a gun shows up and starts shooting, looking for her five-star ball. Oh, it’s Bulma! No panties? And she’s supposed to be bad ass? Please. The only thing Bulma is good at is dating second stringers like Yamcha and Vegeta.

7:30: Oh look, the Capsule Corporation is making Transformers! I sure hope Hasbro doesn’t hear about this …

7:31: Goku apparently senses Master Roshi nearby. When Bulma asks how he says "I can always sense my Grandfather". Uhh … kay? Go Medium! Wish I could talk to ghosts … that’d be sweeeeeeeet!!!

7:33 So apparently, in order to curry favor and help gather the Dragon Balls, Bulma and Goku decide to break into Roshi’s house. Wait … Roshi has hair? And no porno? Or turtle shell? This isn’t Roshi at all! At least he has a generic anime chick on his shirt …

7:36: Oh, there’s the porno!! Oh, and the two-star Dragon Ball, but who cares about that?

7:37: Taking a better look at it, it looks like Piccolo is riding on Bowser’s airship from Super Mario Bros. 3. Come to think of it, I think I see Bowser at the helm!

7:38: Wait, it’s just Piccolo.

7:40: Chi Chi is apparently playing king of the hill against some other non-important characters. Naturally, she wins.

7:41: Roshi is teaching Goku air bending in the back of a trailer while Bulma drives on her bike. Air bending … seriously? Someone needs to tell the writers they’re mixing anime with faux-anime.

7:42: Speaking of second-stringers, there’s Yamcha! Still as useless as ever, I see …

7:45: So Yamcha trapped everyone in a hole, they stay down there for hours, and Roshi just non-chalantly jumps out? What the hell were they waiting for? Oh, they found a new Dragon Ball? How convenient …

7:46: Now we cut to a scene of Piccolo roiding out, a la Mark McGuire. It feels nice not to have to say "allegedly" anymore …

7:48: The Dragon Ball hangs precariously above the fires of Mount Doom, er, a volcano. Now they’re fighting a bunch of mini-Piccoloes and tossing them into the lava. This isn’t nearly as entertaining as it sounds. Oh, great- now he’s hopping across molten rocks to get to the Dragon Ball. I don’t know if they were hoping to get a generic action game made out of this or what, but …

7:51: Apparently, they all decide they can’t collect the rest of the balls before the eclipse in two days. Way to completely change direction in the middle of the movie!

7:52: We come upon … oh God. Don’t tell me this is Mr. Popo … wait, is that Ernie Hudson?

7:53: A martial arts tournament … who would have guessed? Why is this lady taking blood samples of Chi Chi?

7:55: Apparently the kamehameha is part of air bending. I’m sorry … I can’t take this. THERE IS NO MOTHER FUCKING AIR BENDING IN DRAGON BALL!!!

That is all … now returning you to your regularly sheduled review, already in progress …

7:59: Now, to bend air, you have to light things on fire. You really just wanted to call it "air bending" to appeal to the Avatar: The Last Airbender crowd, didn’t you? That’s like how half of the JRPGs in the last 5 years have all had some form of "alchemy". At least Goku’s getting laid now …

8:02: "Betrayal! Chi Chi stole the Dragon Balls! Oh Wait, That’s Not Chi Chi!!" That would be the title of this scene if it were an actual episode of Dragon Ball Z. And Goku beats up the wrong Chi Chi. Does that makes this a domestic abuse situation? Oh look, Goku’s dead! Don’t worry Goku, you’re the Anime Jesus! Roshi will bring you back to life with his air bending before he sends you out to fight the Fire Nation. Oh, but Piccolo has your balls now.

8:06: I start to wonder if this movie’s gonna be over soon. Piccolo has all the Dragon Balls, so he should be able to summon Shenron and put us all out of our misery. Oh, and their Jeep can fly? Why didn’t they do this sooner? You guys don’t make very good use out of your resources, do you?

8:08: So, your Jeep crashes, and the first thing you do is reach out for your orange gi? Way to have your priorities straight, Goku. Did Piccolo just call Shenron "Sheng Long"? You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance! Shoryuken!!

8:09: Oh, we get Goku’s back story in a hastily told flashback from Piccolo, and now he’s turning into a giant monkey. I thought Saiyans only did that on the full moon or something …

8:12: Roshi dies. I have a very strong suspicion he won’t stay that way for long … Oh, and it’s time for Goku and Piccolo to show off their wire-fu!

8:14: Yamcha did something useful and shot as-of-yet-unnamed-she-bitch.

8:15: Goku starts powering up … this could take a while, folks … wait, we’re done already? Seriously, has anyone making this movie even watched an episode of DBZ? I’m starting to have serious doubts.

8:17: With Piccolo anti-climatically defeated, Goku summons Shenron (yes, I’m still calling him that) and has him resurrect Roshi. So why doesn’t he bring Grandpa Gohan back to life too? Fail!

8:19: So, for some reason, Goku and Chi Chi end the movie by starting fight each other. Wanna ring the bell, Apollo? Ding, ding …

So, that’s it, huh? Hundreds of hours of material, and that’s the best you can come up with Hollywood? You all need to die in a fire for trying to assassinate anime’s good name with these dead-on-arrival Dragon Ball and Speed Racer movies. James Cameron, do something … please.