Ask Mr. Science: Air Conditioning

 Hey boys and girls! It’s time for another exciting episode of Ask Mr. Science!

Frakking air conditioning, how does it work?
– Little Jimmy Juggalo

This is a very difficult question to answer. As everyone knows, the air conditioner is an essential part of the mysterious, greasy, magical inner workings of a car.

Unfortunately, we can’t see inside a real air conditioner, because if we dismantled the car, the magic smoke that makes it function would escape.

But never fear, young science enthusiast! I have been hard at work in my underground laboratory (for there is truly no better kind) developing a theory for these misunderstood pieces of forgotten ancient technology.

While much of the car’s functions are still out of my reach, I have arrived at a hypothesis explaining the air conditioner. (It shows great promise, this hypothesis. It has stood the test of several experiments–not one of the times I have driven my car across town have I ever gotten too warm!)

The secret? Ice aliens from another world.

This is what we are certain they look like,
and by "certain" I mean "I doodled this while drunk."

There can be no simpler explanation. And by Occam’s Razor (the implement I use to trim my glorious mad scientist moustache before each experiment) that is enough to prove it is true.

These ice aliens live deep inside the bowels of your car. When you turn on your air conditioner, it signals their manager to tell them they better wake their lazy butts up and cool down the car with their freeze breath. (The managers, of course, are under investigation by the Galactic Labor Board for this slur. It’s a common–but completely untrue–stereotype that ice aliens are lazy and incompetent.)

For those of you concerned about OSHA regulations, rest assured that the ice aliens do get paid.

We pay them in liquid refrigerant, which they use for food, and also as a means of barter. (Incidentally, 3.141579 units of liquid refrigerant exchanges for 1 prison cigarette on the Intergalactic Monetary Market.)

Unfortunately, there is a downside to this system. The remnants of liquid refrigerant is known as chlorofluorocarbons. As everyone knows, chlorine is used to kill germs, carbon is a basic building block of life, and fluorine is what the government puts in your water to control your mind.

So there is a very real possibility that the International One-World Government Committee of the Organization of Hot Dog Stand Vendors is using this system as a front for raising an army of mindless, germ-free drone-creatures. (Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.)

I am not exactly sure what their goal is. My friends in the media tell me it is likely "nefarious and evil" (their words, not mine). Sadly, I cannot say for certain–I am not a political scientist, only a regular scientist.

By the way, I still can’t figure out how the "heater" and "fan" settings work. If you’ve got a lead, please send me a registered letter.