An Open Letter to the 1980’s

Dear 1980s,

I was perfectly willing to buy that Jem had a magical, super futuristic synthesizer that could create light, sound, and realistic holograms anywhere in the world so long as they were within range of a pair of magical, super futuristic earrings.

HOWEVER, I cannot and will not buy that four musicians wearing super 80s oddly colored overalls can take a 100%, completely totaled indy car and restore it to perfect working order (indeed, factory condition) in a matter of three days using tools they have probably never wielded with the help of said magical, futuristic synthesizer displaying 3D blue prints. Furthermore, I cannot buy that having restored the vehicle with only two hours until the Indy 500, that Jem herself would be able to drive the aforementioned car and also be able to win the Indy 500. Thank you for your time in this matter.

Sincerely,
Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us in this matter. Unfortunately, our product "Jem and the Holograms" is long past its scheduled end-of-life and we can no longer offer support for it.

You may be able to find other hobbyists who can offer you assistance on your "Jem and the Holograms" product. I can say that this is a known issue with this product, as well as many similar models released around the same time. It was a different time, where parents weren’t trying to turn their kids into geniuses by exposing them to educational programming 24/7. Toy guns didn’t have to have those orange tips, quaint racism was still OK in cartoons, and parents didn’t care that Barbie was giving their kids body image issues. Also, a lot of the staff at the time had gotten really, really wasted in the 60’s and were still having flashbacks so this storyline made perfect sense to them.

Perhaps if you looked towards products from the 90’s or 00’s, you might find a suitable replacement. May we suggest the re-tooled and re-engineered My Little Pony or G.I. Joe? Or perhaps you could wait for the inevitable new Jem series, because honestly, we’re all out of ideas here in the 10’s, and there is sweet, sweet money in retro these days.

Best,
The 1980’s